


Barry's Question

by scarecrowstories



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 11:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18620038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarecrowstories/pseuds/scarecrowstories
Summary: Barry overhears the twins call him a dilf and spends the day asking the rest of the IPRE crew what that means. Nobody will tell him. Does he ever figure it out?





	Barry's Question

**Author's Note:**

> Look, friends, Barry is easily in his 40s during the Stolen Century. He's stated to be in his 50s at the beginning of the story, so it really depends on when his last death was. Feel free to send requests my way if there's anything you'd like to see!
> 
> I hope this fic makes you smile.

It had been bothering Barry all morning. Did he mishear them? Was it some elven word that he simply never encountered before? More importantly: did she know that he heard them? Barry was too shy to ask her what it meant, and had initially resigned himself to never knowing. He was drinking his morning tea in the common area when Lucretia walked in, and suddenly Barry had an idea: maybe she knew what the word meant. She knew a ton of languages!

"Hey, Lucretia, am I a, uhh… 'dilf?'"

Lucretia stopped in her tracks and looked at him in disgust. "Barry, I am a child compared to you."

Barry looked around nervously, completely oblivious to what he'd just asked. "Uh…. Okay?"

"I can't believe this," Lucretia answered, turning and storming out as quick as she'd come.

Taking another sip of tea, Barry felt his face heat up in embarrassment. It certainly seemed like she knew what the word meant, and it wasn't good. Had the twins actually been insulting him? When Taako had first said it, Lup laughed and jokingly punched his arm before agreeing. Maybe he didn't want to know. And maybe he should apologize to Lucretia.

Just as he was accepting that he shouldn't ask anyone else and should in fact keep his shame to himself, Merle walked in. "Hey, buddy, what's got you looking down?" he asked, sitting next to Barry.

He cleared his throat and drank more tea. "Hey, Merle, I've just been thinking about some stuff. Would you say I'm a dilf?"

There was a tense silence as Merle narrowed his eyes and critically examined him. "Hmm…"

"Yeah?" Barry's heart was thumping loud in his chest.

Finally, Merle shrugged. "Listen, Barry, if you want to be a dilf, be a dilf. If that's what's in your heart, let that truth shine out."

"Come on, Merle, you don't know what it means either, do you?"

Merle dramatically placed a hand on his chest. "Of course I do! Anyway, you enjoy your tea, I've gotta go, uhh… I've gotta find something for Taako." And with that, the dwarf stood up and hurriedly left, leaving Barry feeling more frustrated then before. He was almost positive that Merle was as clueless as he was, but even if he wasn't, he'd still neglected to provide an answer. 

Typical Merle, he thought, always deflecting questions with generic inspirational bullshit. Unless Merle actually knew, and it was Lucretia who was messing with him? After a few more minutes of internal debate, he decided that there were more important things than asking about this weird elven word. They were on an important mission, why was he even wasting his time with this? While part of him felt silly for expending the mental energy worrying about something so trivial, another part of him wanted to acknowledge that it was nice to be preoccupied with something petty for once.

Having made up his mind, Barry walked to the section of the ship where their bedrooms were located and knocked on Magnus' door. When Magnus answered, still half asleep and in his pajamas, Barry realized this was probably not the best time to ask him. "I have a question," he said.

With a big yawn, Magnus wiped at his eyes. "Okay, shoot."

Barry took a deep breath. "I need you to be completely honest with me. Am I a dilf?"

Without hesitation, Magnus laughed. "Oh, boy. I'm not even remotely qualified to answer that, Barry, c'mon!"

"No, you come on! Am I the only person on this damn ship who doesn't know what a dilf is?"

Magnus continued laughing. "Probably!" He shut the door in Barry's face, laughter still audible within. 

This was the last straw. Barry finished his tea and headed to the deck of the Starblaster in the hopes that he'd find Davenport. It had been enough years now that he was familiar with his friends' daily habits when things were as calm as they currently were. As he had predicted, Davenport was looking over the side of the ship and watching the world below, deep in thought. Barry hoped that he wouldn't be disturbing him too much.

He cleared his throat. "Do you have a minute?" he asked.

Davenport was startled, but nodded. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

Barry started fidgeting with his hands. "Yeah, I'm fine, I just… Look, I gotta know, Davenport, am I a dilf?"

At that, Davenport's eyes went wide. "Whoa, that's a bit forward of you, don't you think?" He tugged at his collar and laughed nervously. "I mean, I guess you kind of are? I can see why some people would say that."

"So is that a good thing?" Barry asked.

"Of course it's - what are you - w-…" Davenport stammered. He paused, shook his head, and grinned. "You have no idea what that word means, do you?"

"No, I don't, but I've been asking around all morning and nobody will tell me," he admitted. He ran his fingers through his hair, adjusted his glasses, continued fidgeting. "I overheard Taako and Lup say it, and I'm starting to worry it means something bad."

A moment of silence hung between them before Davenport's expression softened. "I don't think I'm the person you want to be having this conversation with," he said before walking away, leaving Barry standing alone on the deck of the ship, still as mystified as before.

What now? He was too embarrassed to ask Lup directly, but he knew if he asked Taako she would still find out. Then again, maybe he was looking at the problem too laterally. Instead of ask his friends, maybe he could look it up in a book. There weren't many books on the ship since the mission had only been stocked for a short-term trip, but there was definitely an elven dictionary. And if the word was common enough that the rest of the crew knew what it meant, then surely it would be there. 

Half an hour and much frustrated reading later, Barry snapped the book shut. It hadn't been in there. Of course not, he thought, why would this be easy? Now he had to make his final choice: leave it well enough alone and accept that nobody wanted to tell him, or go straight to the source.

"Trying to pick up some Old Elvish, my man?"

Barry dropped the book in surprise, looking up to see Taako. "N-no, not really."

"Huh. That's all that book's good for, so if you've got any other questions maybe toss 'em my way." Taako picked up the fallen book and put it back on the shelf, flashing him a smile.

"Yeah, about that…" Barry trailed off, steeling his nerves for the words he was sick of saying. "What's a dilf? I heard you and Lup this morning, I didn't mean to but I did, and I haven't been able to figure it out all day." Taako was visibly restraining his laughter, but Barry pushed forward. "I've asked around and nobody will tell me if it's even a bad thing to be! I'm worried that I've done something to upset everyone."

"Are you done talking?"

Barry sighed. "Yeah, I guess."

"Oh, thank fuck." Taako burst into laughter. "Lup! Barry has an important question for you!" he called, wiping tears from his eyes and walking away. 

Moments later, Lup entered the room; Barry was still standing motionless, too in shock to do much else. "What's up?" Lup asked. "Taako said you had a question." Barry didn't react, staring straight ahead. "Uh, hello? Barry?" Silence. "All right, I guess he was goofing, so I'm just gonna, uhh… I'm gonna go. Okay?"

Barry shook his head and sighed, bringing a hand to his forehead; depending on Lup's answer he might have to go yell at Taako later. "No, Lup, he wasn't goofing, I really do have a question. I heard the two of you this morning call me a dilf, and I don't know what that means. At first I didn't think it was anything serious, but when I asked around, everyone either laughed at me or seemed really insulted that I asked. I just want to make sure I didn't do something stupid."

Lup's jaw dropped slightly. "You asked everyone on the ship if you're a dilf?" When Barry nodded, her cheeks reddened. "I…. Barry. It's not a bad word." She coughed. "It's sexual. We were just joking around, you know how it is, playing a little game of Charm-Romance-Murder."

"Oh my god, did I basically just go around asking our friends if I'm hot?"

"Kind of, yeah. It's an acronym, so you wouldn't have been able to look it up or anything. It stands for 'daddy I'd like to--" no, y'know what? I'll leave the rest to your imagination, I'm sure you can put it together." Lup was blushing furiously now, avoiding eye contact entirely.

A wave of relief washed over Barry that at the very least his friends didn't think poorly of him. He was naturally embarrassed that he'd accidentally been so forward, but at least it wasn't something bad. If they all knew what it meant, though, there was one think that was bothering him.

"I don't even have children!"

Lup laughed again, smiling at him in a way that made his heart skip a beat. Within moments, Barry was laughing too.


End file.
